Postulations of the Mind
I have been developing a thought throughout, I would say the past 2 years. One that, if I admit to, is rather life shattering, at least for me anyways. I have finally come to the terms with the fact that I don’t care about things. Not in the ocnventional sense of the owrd that is. I mean, I care about the people around me and they’re feelings. I care about being a good person and doing my best to well, NOT be a not good person. In the conventional sense, I am a rather caring person. This is however, not what I mean. As I go though my life, day in, day out, I follow the daily, almost ritual rountine that has become my internet activity. Flip through my homepage on Facebook to see what all my friends are up to. Flip through my Tumblr homepage to see all the other interesting things OTHER people upload. Watch random videos on youtube of either movies I wnat to see, childhood tv shows that make me feel like a care free child again, or absorbing as much as I can about whatever weekly media infatuation I happen to have…in this case, Sherlock (nothing else need ot be said with that). All the while, two things constantly run through my mind. One being that I should REALLY work on all the assignments that I have due (yet I still always fall to the sweet temptation that is percrastination).
The other thought, which is more to the point, is I realize all around me, everyone has somethign to care about…passionately. There is some fandom that they research every single aspect on so they can discover not only do they still love it, but what variation, or actor, or what have. I see people learning about what is developing in the world and forming an opionion on the matter. I see friends actually reading the books and learning all the ins and outs of it instead of just trying to remeber a theme so they can pass the exam. People able to recall who sang “Menonmina” song (which, yes, I don’t know who actually created it). People care about THINGS. People care enough to find out everything they possibly could about something…because they WANT to. Me? I say I have an eccletic interset in music as well as a radio listern, mostly because I am too lazy to actually choose a form of music, band, artist that I like, more so that because I listen to the radio, I never pay attention to who even creates the mustic I DO enjoy.
People take a position in politics: right wing, left wing….I don’t even understand why they HAVE wings, and frankly I’ve never cared about it either way. People know who runs the nations, who makes life altering decisions, who actually know what SOPA stands for. The only reason why I even know about SOPA is for how many people have mentioned it on the tumblrs I follow. I see the world around me and everyone finds something to be passioante about. Something to make them jump out of bed every morning, sacrafice yet another night of sleep, voice an opinion on someform of social media for others to see. I’ve been battling admitting this for years, but I can’t keep doing that anymore.
I’ve always wanted to be one of the people who does stand out in the crowd and is noticed. The kind of person who talks about what they care about, shares things with the world, is remembered for some action or idea that is worth mention even as a footnote in history. Yet, with however I might aspire to be like that, I never do anything about it. I continue to stay in the grey. Hell, even saying I stay in the grey is too much credit. I constantly talk or think about all the things I want to do. But when it comes to actually doing, the cursed sweet temptation of procrasination or lazyness grips me once again. And there I sit, absorbing everything and hearing nothing.
It’s sometimes hard to admit that because, well, I personally think it’s a bad thing. And that’s not to say that I am some horrible lifeless lump that has nothing to remark about in wonder in my life. There are many things that I have been truly blessed, do and be a part of. I have no hesitation in saying that I have done things I know that I will be remembered for by people in my life. I know that I have people I love and care about that make me want to get out of bed every morning. I do care…but, sometimes, I can’t help but wonder…
Do I care enough? Do I care about enough issues in the world to learn about them and make a difference? Do I care enough about even things I call my hobbies to actually part take in them? I say I love reading…yet I can’t remember the last time I actually read a book of my own accord that was academically related which didn’t derive of just be a smutty romance novel to kill time, or escape the wolrd, or just to say I read for a hobby. I read (and I use the word very loosely) so many great works of literature in school in the hopes that it will help mold my career. Yet I seem to barely glaze over them, reading them for the sake of attempting to keep up with an insermountable reading list. NOT because I am interested in what the author is trying to say, or what I think about it. I read to regirgitate as much as I need to get by through school. And I know, that isn’t enough. At least not for me. Yet still I still sit and let the world go by…
The issue with finally getting a thought out of your head is once you get started, by the time you finished, you don’t what you’ve actually created, let alone what you were originally trying to say. The academic world says once you reach a conclusion you should make a summary of what you’ve talked about and, obviously, come up with a conclusion. Well, this is not the academic world. This is not an essay. I have no idea what I’ve actually said and what it even means. If I did, I wouldn’t entirely need to be typing it out to get it out of my head. At least, not in such a place where the privacy of a thing such as a journal, which will never be read by the world, doesn’t even exist. My aim of this is…simply…to admit to myself and to others that I have realized I don’t think I care.
Hopefully, this will be the start of me taking a vested interest in my life. If not, then I at least hope this serves a purpose for others. Be it helping someone realize they want to be NOTHING like me, or simply give comfort to anyone who has ever felt the same.
To those who actually got this far, thank you for your time…
